Italian Sausages and Ice Cream

You know how I feel on my period? You know how I fucking feel on my fucking period?? It's ohkay, it's not that bad. I haven't killed anybody yet. I just really really want a fucking soda. I actually want ice cream and coffee, but if I go buy anything I'll probably buy everything in the candy section and some energy drinks to top it off.

It's all good. Really. 

But periods are always bad. Well, they're never really good either. Unless you missed it last month and are suddenly wondering if you are pregnant but you hope otherwise. Then it may be a welcome thing. 

But anyway, seeing as I am a terrible person with no concern for what you want at the moment (at the moment) you can come along on my fucking hormonal roller-coaster ride. 

I want ice cream. I have to eat coffee-flavored chocolate just so I can stay away from caffeine. Caffeine is my soul mate. It really is. It will kill me one day, haha. Bittersweet relationship.

Look at the beautiful coffee, look at it! Haha. Oh man, I really need to take a chill pill. I could use some bacon. Bacon is so good. But you know what I love? Spicy Italian sausages. I really love those. They aren't even close to spicy with my Mexican spicy standards, but they are still delicious!

FEEL THE HUNGER! MWUAHAHA!

So, as you can obviously note, I am not a vegetarian. But I have nothing against vegetarians. I just seek to understand them. As long as they don't try making me a vegetarian. I have incisors for a reason and that reason is meat. But what I don't get is why people think vegetables and plants are "meat-free." I mean, think about it. What is soil made of? Rocks, air, water, blah, blah, dead things. What kind of dead things? Dead plants and animals. Animals that consist of what? Meat. Just saying.... Everything returns to the Earth, and everything that grows from it, like plants, comes from it. So, technically, there is no way around it. It's all pretty organic. 

Well, I really want that ice cream still, and my Italian sausages, so I think I'll get to that.

Bye~ 

Time to Say...Goodbye?

Waking up early? Ugh, not my idea of fun. I would sell my soul for another hour of sleep. My father woke me up, telling me that I was going to drive around. Ha! The 1 hour that he taught me had not made me even a moderately good driver, I'm not going anywhere. And on top of that, since it would have been on the street with other cars, he intended on me taking his crappiest car. The car that is just about as old as I am, and has been repaired so many times its existence is a loss. I would have driven ANY other car but that. Fuck, I'll take public transportation and walk over that.

For one, the car door on the driver's side does not open. It is tied onto the car literally. The sliding door on one side? nope, that doesn't work either. Passenger's side door? Yeah, that one works.

Here's my problem with this. In case of an accident... something prone to happening with a driver with 1 hour of experience... only one door is functional. Crash that side and .... you're trapped. If I drove off of the road and into a river, I'd like to think I can at least get out of the car as quickly as possible. Even if I can't swim and would drown in the river anyway. But you see what I mean? I consider it a hazard, and I'm surprised he hasn't been ticketed or something. I mean, what would he do if they pulled him over and asked him to step out of the vehicle... and the door didn't work? They ticket you over just about anything these days.

But forget that, I have better things to contemplate. Like what? Food, obviously!! Who doesn't love food?

Delicious shrimp :)

I love food, food is awesome. Especially shrimp, I love shrimp. As a kid, any time I'd go to a restaurant I'd order a Mexican shrimp cocktail. I ate so much every time I always got sick. Heh. But everything made me sick, back in those days. I had real issues with motion sickness. We had no car, so I couldn't even stand being on a school bus. I was so used to walking. My mom used to carry around a cold bottle of water with ice, just in case my brother or I decided to faint or anything. Ha! Things have definitely changed. 

...Not entirely like that... though I do work out. But still... I would never want to overdo it either. Honestly, I think I'm pretty strong for somebody that wastes a lot of time and attends a nerdy elite school not built solely for the rich. 

Look! A panda cake! Wha-?! Haha

You know what I've come to realize? People can be so senseless and irrational, jumping to conclusions over everything. Like, I'm a relatively good kid, seriously. I don't go out much (like, at all), but my dad still doesn't hesitate to accuse me if an uncle leaves an empty beer someplace. Suddenly, I'm some drunken bitch, right? They offer beer to the rest of the family, and I'm the drunken bitch for not having drank a drop. I don't like beer, it is disgusting, and I don't plan on getting an acquired taste for it either. Later, I was depressed for a few days, I don't even remember why, but they came to the conclusion that I was on drugs. Seriously?? Maybe if there had been a bong in my room, some ecstasy, or cocaine residue all over my face... but no, that wasn't the case.

So-and-so's boyfriend introduces her to another girl, who assumes that he's cheating on her with this girl, goes off, and later finds out that girl was her boyfriend's cousin. Yep. People are irrational, judgmental beings more often than not.

I can't be the only one who thinks this, right?

How I wish I could just fall asleep some days and never wake up. Life is so important and nobody seems to give a fuck. What a shame!

Well, goodnight, people. Have a nice life, unless you're mean, then I hope you have a hard life so that it teaches you something. 

Random Day #1754

Well, I'm about to go another night without sleeping, something I usually do. I am a nocturnal creature of the night and I will eventually die of sleep deprivation. Well, anyway, I am going to create an illustrated online graphic novel kind of thing, in the form of a blog in the near future. To well, distract myself from the other unproductive activities of life I take part in. Like, well, energy drinks. I love energy drinks. And when I say that, I don't mean I like a can of Amp every so often. Amp is not nearly strong enough. Monster is not nearly strong enough. NOS... that's a bit closer. Cocaine Energy, no THAT is where it's at. But, I did decide to get my shit together and not drink energy drinks anymore. Because well, puking for hours leads to no good future. So, I went ahead and quit all the other self-destructive behaviors I have up my sleeve. This is only the one-millionth time I've done this and relapsed, of course. So, I am quite experienced with failing and coming right back.

But honestly, I am hoping to get things together this year. I don't want to have issues in college, so graduating successfully would be nice. Last year I had a constant GPA of 3.14. Not bad compared to my struggle to get a GPA of 2.0 the year before, and academic probation at school and in my scholarship program. 

But this year, I want to get somewhere. I mean, I have to start somewhere if I plan to become a billionaire. 

Anyway, so I've started reading this book: Atlas Shrugged by Ayn Rand. I'm only on page 37 of 1,084, but it's quite good so far. Definitely my kind of book. 

But seriously, I plan to turn things around. I'm going to get a custom tattoo and go on a road trip after graduation, and I'm going to eventually make it through life alright. Eventually, but it will happen. 

But seriously, I'm not stupid. Life is no piece of cake. You either work in the system or out of it and there are consequences for both. Freedom is based on restrictions. You can drive? I see you have to follow speed limits and whatnot. But without limits, well, you'd probably be dead. However, I still think a lot of things are wrong with society. I mean, people aren't happy. Stress to the degree of heart disease is no advantage in evolution or the survival of the species or anything particularly useful. The compulsory public school system was put in place around 1852 and well, it's really not as successful as it should be. Some students are failing... a lot of them, and well, it's not always their fault. Some students work better in the morning, some in the afternoon, some work better in groups and some, totally alone. But that isn't how schools are operated. They work according to how old you are, because that's apparently the most important thing about you. 

But it makes sense, 7 to 4 school schedule to lead a 9 to 5 work life... because you all will obviously work out of a cubicle doing something you hate for the rest of your life. Life is more flexible than society, don't ya think? 

Figures. Well, goodnight, society. 

(We all secretly hate you)

(Admit it)

Thinking When You Should Be Sleeping

I swear I stay up late so I can have a chance at being completely unproductive. This insomnia shit is getting to me. So, what do I think about at 2:40 AM?

If I sleep now, I can still manage getting SOME sleep.
If I sleep now, I'll wake up at noon.
If I sleep now, I'll be less bitchy tomorrow.
If I sleep now... fuck this.
I want to visit run-down, abandoned hospitals in Europe. The ones that look like castles. Especially the psych wards. And the haunted ones. Oh yeah. I want to spend the night there. Alone. Heheheh. Maybe tag some walls with stuff like, "I Shall Steal Your Soul," and "Mom, Is That You?"
Where would I go if I were to go on a road trip?
How is the meaning of life 42? Are you messing with me, Google?
I can hear footsteps.
Am I losing my mind? I'm losing my mind.
Maybe I shouldn't have drank that NOS energy and that Monster Absolute Zero. But that was hours ago....
I should finish that book.
Did I finish all of my homework? No? I should do it... eventually.
Maybe I should watch a movie.
Oh look! One minute till 2:50 AM!
SLEEP DAMMIT!!!

Ugh, life, why are you so cruel?
Is it suicidal if you see a car speeding your way and you don't get out of the way?
I didn't get out of the way and I saw the car. I just kept walking. But it didn't hit me that hard. Didn't even feel it until two days later. Shock, I guess.
Am I suicidal? I don't know. Maybe I'm just tired. I would probably just sit on the edge of a bridge/building roof and stare below, lost in thought, like I was already dead anyway.
Wow, these are... depressing thoughts. But what is depression? Intense sadness?
It's a disability. Depression should be a handicap, 'cause depressed people can hardly do anything.
The effort of waking up, actually getting up, getting ready, getting out, coming back, even sleep.
When the effort is incredible, then it becomes depression. Or paralysis. Or sickness.
So, what? I gradually become more depressing as my lack of sleep escalates?
It's 2:57 AM. Why am I still awake? Why??
Loving life is so difficult and loving people is so painful. Love is painful. It is.
Love being perfect is such a lie. Tumblr is such a lie. It is a beautiful lie.
That's why I can't be on Tumblr. I cannot let myself be seduced by the lies.
But somehow, I always fall for my own lies.

Tumblr is ironic. People without lives who A.) Reblog pictures of people without lives. B.) Reblog pictures of people with lives. C.) Reblog pictures/gifs of cute animals/etc. D.) Reblog pictures of food. E.) Reblog gifs/pictures of stuff from shows/movies. F.) Reblog clips from porn vids. G.) Reblog overused, generalized quotes about love, hate, prejudice, injustice, randomness, and people. H.) Reblog whatever else people are reblogging. I.) Reblog anything that makes you seem like a deeper-thinking individual, when really that person is the one who wrote/said whatever you're reblogging. J.) Reblog pictures of stuff up-close and totally stylized to the point in which it's so perfect it's unrealistic. K.) Reblog anything about Britain and how awesome it is even though you've never been there and have no fucking idea what it's actually like there. L.) Reblog stuff about that celebrity you're so incredibly obsessed with. M.) Reblog stuff about misery, teenage angst, and hate of humanity in general. N.) Reblog stuff about equality and gay/lesbian/bisexual/straight/questioning/etc. rights. O.) Reblog hate. P.) Reblog life. Q.) Reblog. R.) Blog. S.) Reblog stuff about how much you love your followers. T.) Just stare at other people's Tumblrs and stalk them. U.) Reblog weird, unexplainable things. V.) Reblog other people's wonderful lives and wish you were them. W.) Reblog stuff that makes you seem like that perfect person that you wish you were. X.) Reblog pictures of yourself and/or your abs which may or may not exist. Y.) Scroll down and look at the pretty pictures. Z. Become overwhelmed and depressed by Tumblr even though you love Tumblr.
Did I skip a letter? ABCDEFG....
HIJKLMNOP....
It's 3:17 AM. GODDAMMIT, FUCK EVERYTHING.
Ugh. I have to pee.
I don't want to get up. I'm so comfortable. My spot will get cold. My sense of belonging will get cold.
I really love storms. I love the sound of water in creeks. I love the smell of rain.

But the water from the tap is suspicious, very much so.
It causes cancer, I bet.
I have the weirdest, most unexplainable dreams. I dreamed I was Lindsey Sterling. Hmph, I WISH I were that awesome. I dreamed of life-like pillow-pet cats that talked.
I don't have insomnia, I just can't sleep.
So much for that Trazodone.... Taking pills is so not normal.
It's unnatural.
I should just drink natural springwater, so laced with minerals. Maybe that is more natural.

I wish I didn't care so much. I wish I didn't think so much. I wish it wasn't 3:30 AM already. I wish I had more time.

Why do I feel so old? I feel like I'm aging beyond my years, suddenly becoming old, confused, and so accepting and ready to die. I feel like I've already lived, but I haven't. I have high blood pressure. I'm only seventeen and I'm already ready for heart disease and cardiac arrest. Yay me....

Can anybody relate to this, or is it just me?

It's been two minutes. Just two minutes. Only two minutes of my life. Only two minutes.

I wouldn't change anything if I could. It is what it is.
People walk in,  people walk out. They step on your heart and tire you out.
People walk in, people walk out. They pick you and then throw you out.
But somehow, life is steal beautiful, pain and all. Sometimes you see it, sometimes you don't.
Do I even make sense?
If I weren't me, then who would I be?
Does it matter?
It's 3:43 AM. WHY THE FUCK AM I STILL FUCKING AWAKE?!
I like crossing things out, it's kind of fun.
I like graffiti. I like Banksy's graffiti. Graffiti is art.
I dreamed of an evacuation mission in which I safely had to carry a tiny bomb that would explode at the slightest touch with the potential of blowing up a city. I had to carry it in a glass of water on a ten mile hike. I found it while trying to buy a beautiful glass vase at a funeral.
My shoulder and elbow just popped. I can pop my hips, my knees... my ankles, my back... my neck, my fingers. My skeleton sounds like it's falling apart.

It's 3:52 AM. 3:53 AM.
And I wonder why my eye twitches so constantly. Oh, why.
Do you see what I see?
Well, do you?

I used to think that people in black-and-white photos always frowned because the world was black-and-white and everything was just different shades of depressing gray. I was young once. I was.
And then it all ended. Reality struck me down, and the realization hit.
I was only human, and one day, I too would die alone. I could only do so much.
I could not solve everything, I could not absolutely do or be anything I wanted to be. I could not help everybody.
Do I eat my feelings?
No, I just lock them away and wait for them to fade to nothingness, to blend into the fog of my mind.
I feel like a stereotype.
It's 4:00 AM on the dot. *sigh*
Time is just slipping through my fingers, disintegrating at my touch.
I live in Prozac Nation, where do you live?
I live in that place you want to leave behind but you always come back to.

Why do I think these things?
What is normal?
Am I normal?
Are you normal?
Does it matter?

And these are the thoughts I think when I should instead sleep.
These are the thoughts I've been thinking and will be thinking in three hours, five hours, seven hours.
These are the thoughts you might be thinking too.
Maybe you too should also be sleeping instead of thinking.
Maybe you're a bit like me.
Maybe not.
Maybe it doesn't matter if you're thinking what I'm thinking or just thinking what you're thinking.
Maybe.
Just maybe.

Ingenious Awesomeness and Ranting About Randomness

I'm really starting to think I'm among the few who know what a mana potion is. I bought one as a necklace pendant and everybody's like "the fuck is that??" Bastards. Mana is only like one of the most necessary items that all mages/sorcerers/casters MUST have! At least in computer/video games. And yes, I play a lot of computer games and such. And no, that doesn't mean Black Ops, Pokémon, or Call of Duty. Why? 1. Too impatient to play better or different games aka too loyal. 2. Pokémon is hideously mainstream now... it's ridiculous. I'm not a fan, but I've watched the Pokémon movies and played it on the PSP... which I'm SURE many of these "new" Pokémon addicts haven't even done.

But for the most part, I'm just too impatient/lazy to try out new stuff. Eh well.

Handblown Glass Miniature Mana and Health Potions by GeekOUTlet shop on Etsy.com

Now, seeing as I'm ranted a tiny bit about mainstream society nowadays, I think I'll share some awesomeness, 'cause well.. it's awesome. 

This is a card you absolutely MUST give on a birthday, it has just the right combination of awesomeness and sarcasm. You have to admit, it's a lot more creative than any other birthday card you've ever given. This is freakin' AMAZING.

Funny Birthday Card by DoodleMoose Designs shop on Etsy.com

Mhm, I guess I'm not entirely sure why I'm up at 2:07 AM blogging about random cool stuff I want to buy in the near future. I guess that Trazodone shit doesn't work. THE INSOMNIA, OH THE INSOMNIA! But what is insomnia anyway? Wanting to sleep but not being able to, or not wanting to sleep and not being able to anyway? Or maybe it's just not sleeping in any context? I dunno. Anyway, next up is this ingenious sticky note pad. I love anything that is ingenious. Creativity is so rare. I mean, people think I'm creative, which is a lot of BS 'cause I go through hours of frustration just to think up some cool drawing idea for art class. I'm honestly better at video editing and presentation film production type stuff and graphics than art, but I'm an artist as far as anybody's concerned.

Funny Sticky Note Pad by FlytrapOnE shop on Etsy.com

And another note pad by FlytrapOnE on Etsy...

Well anyway... I have a lot to do tomorrow and I really shouldn't be up this late. Ugh, my eye is gonna be twitching like crazy tomorrow, and my eyes are already really really freakin' dry. Blame it on the Prozac, eh? Yep. Doped up 'cause apparently I'm too awesome for society. It can't deal with all this... all my SEEMINGLY senseless acts and SEEMINGLY lack of impulse control, mood, and whatever else they might say. Truth is, I'm just too cool. And now I'm in the system. Yay me, it sucks. I don't want to say any names or anything, but so-and-so is the one that needs some pills, a whole damn case of Adderall and tranquilizers to calm that neurotic mindlessness that got ME on pills instead. Now THAT is an expert liar fooling the system, he likely could've convinced 'em that I was some psychotic mass-murderer. 

But ANYWAY, that's enough ranting. I'm just having an "I hate the fucking world so fucking much" kinda day, ya know. Ya know. G'night, my random anon readers :P

Through Movies and Sickness

You know something? I always think that if you're sick you should shower in the morning. But I just realized doing so only makes me feel sicker.. I guess the afternoon was always the better choice. Ugh, I'm so sick... I can't wait to infect the whole school :D Yay, then they can all be fucking sick when I get better. Just kidding, I'm not that evil... entirely.

So, what do you think I'm doing at 5:40 in the morning?
No, not watching porn.
Or stalking the neighbors.
Or killing innocent bystanders after killing somebody on my hit list.
Or having a hit list to begin with.

I'm watching movies 'cause I've got nothing better to do. But you know what I hate? I hate those commercials on websites that just come on while you're doing something online and that you can't find to begin with. Disrupting my movies, tsk tsk.

Well, anyway, I just watched Schindler’s List... a very very sad sad.. sad.. movie. If you don't cry through that movie at some point you are a heartless bastard. 

Right now, I'm watching Dark Shadows. 
"How do you feel about the President?"
"I've never met him."
"The war?"
"I don't watch television."
"Do you think the sexes should be equal?"
"Heavens no, men would become unmanageable."

Don't you find this conversation from the movie amusing? I do.

Oh, but the movie, it is so intriguing. I won't spoil it if you haven't watched it. But it's very intriguingly portrayed. A vampire movie with ghosts and such... but nothing at all like the Twilight Saga. Not necessarily scary, but with moments of suspense. A bit funny, but not too much, like other movies.

I'm so sick, but at least it's not that bad. I've been much sicker before. Well, it's about time I actually bother to get ready for school, so farewell my fellow humans and non-humans :P

[Randomly Explicit]

Well, it's been a while, I don't actually know how long... I mostly just have no idea how to "begin" a post.

ACTUALLY, I think I know JUST how to trap people in my endless stream of confusing words... this trick NEVER fails.

EVERYBODY, THIS POST CONTAINS XXX RATED CONTENT, SEMI-NUDITY, PROFANITY,  AND OTHER THINGS YOUR MOTHER WARNED YOU ABOUT. (no, it doesn't, not entirely, maybe, it could, I guess you'll have to see, now won't you? Yeah, that's right, bitch)

Landon Liboiron... Look at those fucking eyes!

MORE SMEXY PICTURES AT TOTALLY RANDOM IRRELEVANT POINTS IN THIS POST.  Gotta catch 'em all? Haha.

Anyway, seeing as this is, in fact, a blog, and I can do whatever the fuck I want, well, I'm going to do just that.

Random update: My life has been incredibly...mundane. And if you're reading this, chances are, we understand each other. Either that or you skipped ahead and saw pictures, in which case, shame on you.

But then again, I like pictures, so let's get to it.

Picture 1

Now, here's the first picture. As you can see, it's butterflies. On my arm. Done in a variety of Sharpie pens, markers, regular pens,  and highlighters. The picture is actually not finished. My name is all over it, indeed it is. Why? Because of all the shit I've learned... one thing as that there are some lying, thieving bastards out there. 

Picture 2

Here's the second picture in the process. I added a ribbon for no real solid reason, 'cause well, I can do that. Blah, blah, blah, third and last picture!

Picture 3

So yeah, that's the finished work. Now, at this point, it may have occurred to you that you have no fucking idea why I'm drawing butterflies and ribbons on myself, other than maybe out of extreme boredom.

Rasmus Ledin.. What? He's pretty lol

Well, you'd only be half-right if you went with boredom. This is where shit gets real (Ah, fuck). I'm drawing butterflies on myself 'cause it was suggested to me to try the Butterfly Project. Now, I was pretty skeptical about this, very doubtful. But what the fuck am I talking about? Basically, the project is kind of like a way to keep you from cutting yourself, or stopping altogether in a gradual manner. You draw a butterfly on yourself when you want to cut, you name it after somebody that cares about you. You leave the butterfly there as long as it stays. If you cut, you kill it basically. If you had accumulated tons of butterflies... well, they all die.

Now, my butterflies are fucking fantastic. So much so, that now I can't bear to part with them (Hmm... so this is how that project works...). I didn't name my butterflies 'cause I couldn't think of anybody that cared about me. I know there are people that care about me, but every time I think about it I start to doubt it a bit. Why? 'Cause I can't feel shit. Emotionally speaking, of course. I would DEFINITELY feel pain if I got hit by a car or stepped on glass or got stabbed in some dark alley. 

Eric Saade

But you know how sometimes you think you're sure about something, but then you start having second thoughts? Like that. You just start asking yourself pointless questions like, "Well, WHY would they give a damn about you?"

But anyway, by tomorrow I will probably be covered in butterflies.

Admire...

Let's take a break and look at this picture of abs. It's so hot, that if I told you how hot it was I'd be writing a XXX rated sex novel with explicit twists. Hehehe.

Well, now I feel bad for any straight guys that have had to endure all this. Let me make it up to you, you ugly bastard, my dearest friend.

Look, guys! Windows Vista! Hahah

So... Who's up for some Hot Tamales?

Well, well, well, sir, you have a filthy mind. But don't worry, so does everybody else, they just don't admit it. But it's true. C'mon, admit it. You mindfuck people in your head ALL the time, during work, while watching commercials on TV, reading a boring book, flipping through your Playboy magazine that is hidden you-know-where, in the shower... you get the point.

Shame on you, I can read your thoughts!

Well, I'm really tired and have tons of important things to do that I am not going to do.. so instead, i shall go into a deep sleep-coma. Night. You go on not having a life whatsoever :) I love you, even if I secretly hate you :P