Thinking When You Should Be Sleeping

I swear I stay up late so I can have a chance at being completely unproductive. This insomnia shit is getting to me. So, what do I think about at 2:40 AM?

If I sleep now, I can still manage getting SOME sleep.
If I sleep now, I'll wake up at noon.
If I sleep now, I'll be less bitchy tomorrow.
If I sleep now... fuck this.
I want to visit run-down, abandoned hospitals in Europe. The ones that look like castles. Especially the psych wards. And the haunted ones. Oh yeah. I want to spend the night there. Alone. Heheheh. Maybe tag some walls with stuff like, "I Shall Steal Your Soul," and "Mom, Is That You?"
Where would I go if I were to go on a road trip?
How is the meaning of life 42? Are you messing with me, Google?
I can hear footsteps.
Am I losing my mind? I'm losing my mind.
Maybe I shouldn't have drank that NOS energy and that Monster Absolute Zero. But that was hours ago....
I should finish that book.
Did I finish all of my homework? No? I should do it... eventually.
Maybe I should watch a movie.
Oh look! One minute till 2:50 AM!
SLEEP DAMMIT!!!

Ugh, life, why are you so cruel?
Is it suicidal if you see a car speeding your way and you don't get out of the way?
I didn't get out of the way and I saw the car. I just kept walking. But it didn't hit me that hard. Didn't even feel it until two days later. Shock, I guess.
Am I suicidal? I don't know. Maybe I'm just tired. I would probably just sit on the edge of a bridge/building roof and stare below, lost in thought, like I was already dead anyway.
Wow, these are... depressing thoughts. But what is depression? Intense sadness?
It's a disability. Depression should be a handicap, 'cause depressed people can hardly do anything.
The effort of waking up, actually getting up, getting ready, getting out, coming back, even sleep.
When the effort is incredible, then it becomes depression. Or paralysis. Or sickness.
So, what? I gradually become more depressing as my lack of sleep escalates?
It's 2:57 AM. Why am I still awake? Why??
Loving life is so difficult and loving people is so painful. Love is painful. It is.
Love being perfect is such a lie. Tumblr is such a lie. It is a beautiful lie.
That's why I can't be on Tumblr. I cannot let myself be seduced by the lies.
But somehow, I always fall for my own lies.

Tumblr is ironic. People without lives who A.) Reblog pictures of people without lives. B.) Reblog pictures of people with lives. C.) Reblog pictures/gifs of cute animals/etc. D.) Reblog pictures of food. E.) Reblog gifs/pictures of stuff from shows/movies. F.) Reblog clips from porn vids. G.) Reblog overused, generalized quotes about love, hate, prejudice, injustice, randomness, and people. H.) Reblog whatever else people are reblogging. I.) Reblog anything that makes you seem like a deeper-thinking individual, when really that person is the one who wrote/said whatever you're reblogging. J.) Reblog pictures of stuff up-close and totally stylized to the point in which it's so perfect it's unrealistic. K.) Reblog anything about Britain and how awesome it is even though you've never been there and have no fucking idea what it's actually like there. L.) Reblog stuff about that celebrity you're so incredibly obsessed with. M.) Reblog stuff about misery, teenage angst, and hate of humanity in general. N.) Reblog stuff about equality and gay/lesbian/bisexual/straight/questioning/etc. rights. O.) Reblog hate. P.) Reblog life. Q.) Reblog. R.) Blog. S.) Reblog stuff about how much you love your followers. T.) Just stare at other people's Tumblrs and stalk them. U.) Reblog weird, unexplainable things. V.) Reblog other people's wonderful lives and wish you were them. W.) Reblog stuff that makes you seem like that perfect person that you wish you were. X.) Reblog pictures of yourself and/or your abs which may or may not exist. Y.) Scroll down and look at the pretty pictures. Z. Become overwhelmed and depressed by Tumblr even though you love Tumblr.
Did I skip a letter? ABCDEFG....
HIJKLMNOP....
It's 3:17 AM. GODDAMMIT, FUCK EVERYTHING.
Ugh. I have to pee.
I don't want to get up. I'm so comfortable. My spot will get cold. My sense of belonging will get cold.
I really love storms. I love the sound of water in creeks. I love the smell of rain.

But the water from the tap is suspicious, very much so.
It causes cancer, I bet.
I have the weirdest, most unexplainable dreams. I dreamed I was Lindsey Sterling. Hmph, I WISH I were that awesome. I dreamed of life-like pillow-pet cats that talked.
I don't have insomnia, I just can't sleep.
So much for that Trazodone.... Taking pills is so not normal.
It's unnatural.
I should just drink natural springwater, so laced with minerals. Maybe that is more natural.

I wish I didn't care so much. I wish I didn't think so much. I wish it wasn't 3:30 AM already. I wish I had more time.

Why do I feel so old? I feel like I'm aging beyond my years, suddenly becoming old, confused, and so accepting and ready to die. I feel like I've already lived, but I haven't. I have high blood pressure. I'm only seventeen and I'm already ready for heart disease and cardiac arrest. Yay me....

Can anybody relate to this, or is it just me?

It's been two minutes. Just two minutes. Only two minutes of my life. Only two minutes.

I wouldn't change anything if I could. It is what it is.
People walk in,  people walk out. They step on your heart and tire you out.
People walk in, people walk out. They pick you and then throw you out.
But somehow, life is steal beautiful, pain and all. Sometimes you see it, sometimes you don't.
Do I even make sense?
If I weren't me, then who would I be?
Does it matter?
It's 3:43 AM. WHY THE FUCK AM I STILL FUCKING AWAKE?!
I like crossing things out, it's kind of fun.
I like graffiti. I like Banksy's graffiti. Graffiti is art.
I dreamed of an evacuation mission in which I safely had to carry a tiny bomb that would explode at the slightest touch with the potential of blowing up a city. I had to carry it in a glass of water on a ten mile hike. I found it while trying to buy a beautiful glass vase at a funeral.
My shoulder and elbow just popped. I can pop my hips, my knees... my ankles, my back... my neck, my fingers. My skeleton sounds like it's falling apart.

It's 3:52 AM. 3:53 AM.
And I wonder why my eye twitches so constantly. Oh, why.
Do you see what I see?
Well, do you?

I used to think that people in black-and-white photos always frowned because the world was black-and-white and everything was just different shades of depressing gray. I was young once. I was.
And then it all ended. Reality struck me down, and the realization hit.
I was only human, and one day, I too would die alone. I could only do so much.
I could not solve everything, I could not absolutely do or be anything I wanted to be. I could not help everybody.
Do I eat my feelings?
No, I just lock them away and wait for them to fade to nothingness, to blend into the fog of my mind.
I feel like a stereotype.
It's 4:00 AM on the dot. *sigh*
Time is just slipping through my fingers, disintegrating at my touch.
I live in Prozac Nation, where do you live?
I live in that place you want to leave behind but you always come back to.

Why do I think these things?
What is normal?
Am I normal?
Are you normal?
Does it matter?

And these are the thoughts I think when I should instead sleep.
These are the thoughts I've been thinking and will be thinking in three hours, five hours, seven hours.
These are the thoughts you might be thinking too.
Maybe you too should also be sleeping instead of thinking.
Maybe you're a bit like me.
Maybe not.
Maybe it doesn't matter if you're thinking what I'm thinking or just thinking what you're thinking.
Maybe.
Just maybe.

Ingenious Awesomeness and Ranting About Randomness

I'm really starting to think I'm among the few who know what a mana potion is. I bought one as a necklace pendant and everybody's like "the fuck is that??" Bastards. Mana is only like one of the most necessary items that all mages/sorcerers/casters MUST have! At least in computer/video games. And yes, I play a lot of computer games and such. And no, that doesn't mean Black Ops, Pokémon, or Call of Duty. Why? 1. Too impatient to play better or different games aka too loyal. 2. Pokémon is hideously mainstream now... it's ridiculous. I'm not a fan, but I've watched the Pokémon movies and played it on the PSP... which I'm SURE many of these "new" Pokémon addicts haven't even done.

But for the most part, I'm just too impatient/lazy to try out new stuff. Eh well.

Handblown Glass Miniature Mana and Health Potions by GeekOUTlet shop on Etsy.com

Now, seeing as I'm ranted a tiny bit about mainstream society nowadays, I think I'll share some awesomeness, 'cause well.. it's awesome. 

This is a card you absolutely MUST give on a birthday, it has just the right combination of awesomeness and sarcasm. You have to admit, it's a lot more creative than any other birthday card you've ever given. This is freakin' AMAZING.

Funny Birthday Card by DoodleMoose Designs shop on Etsy.com

Mhm, I guess I'm not entirely sure why I'm up at 2:07 AM blogging about random cool stuff I want to buy in the near future. I guess that Trazodone shit doesn't work. THE INSOMNIA, OH THE INSOMNIA! But what is insomnia anyway? Wanting to sleep but not being able to, or not wanting to sleep and not being able to anyway? Or maybe it's just not sleeping in any context? I dunno. Anyway, next up is this ingenious sticky note pad. I love anything that is ingenious. Creativity is so rare. I mean, people think I'm creative, which is a lot of BS 'cause I go through hours of frustration just to think up some cool drawing idea for art class. I'm honestly better at video editing and presentation film production type stuff and graphics than art, but I'm an artist as far as anybody's concerned.

Funny Sticky Note Pad by FlytrapOnE shop on Etsy.com

And another note pad by FlytrapOnE on Etsy...

Well anyway... I have a lot to do tomorrow and I really shouldn't be up this late. Ugh, my eye is gonna be twitching like crazy tomorrow, and my eyes are already really really freakin' dry. Blame it on the Prozac, eh? Yep. Doped up 'cause apparently I'm too awesome for society. It can't deal with all this... all my SEEMINGLY senseless acts and SEEMINGLY lack of impulse control, mood, and whatever else they might say. Truth is, I'm just too cool. And now I'm in the system. Yay me, it sucks. I don't want to say any names or anything, but so-and-so is the one that needs some pills, a whole damn case of Adderall and tranquilizers to calm that neurotic mindlessness that got ME on pills instead. Now THAT is an expert liar fooling the system, he likely could've convinced 'em that I was some psychotic mass-murderer. 

But ANYWAY, that's enough ranting. I'm just having an "I hate the fucking world so fucking much" kinda day, ya know. Ya know. G'night, my random anon readers :P